It was the 25 of September 2017 and it was just like a 100 other days for me. I was finishing work early and already the thoughts of having a gambling flutter were running around in my head, building up to the usual irresistible urge where I just can’t say no. I work in Dublin so getting to a venue where my favourite type of gambling is operated is more accessible than I would like it to be. In recent times I was getting fed up of facilitating my gambling with the monotonous journey in to the city centre. This coupled with the difficulties of parking and changes in route layouts lead me to find myself a 24 hour casino/arcade which operated automated table roulette and slot machines at the Santry Omniplex. It was out of the way with no parking problems or costs.
Automated table roulette has been my gamble of choice for some time now which in some places allows a maximum bet of between 250 to 500 euro every 30 seconds or so. They are equally as addictive and dangerous as the fixed odds betting terminals (FOBTS) currently under siege in the UK. I had also self excluded myself from a large number of venues and could not longer go there as the majority of gambling premises strictly adhere to a self exclude request. The big step I had taken on the 25 October 2016 was to hand over complete control of my finances to my brother. This meant that I hadn’t got the freedom to gamble all my money at any time and devastate my finances in a flash. I have taken steps over the last year or two to put as many obstacles in my way as possible to prevent me from gambling.
While I had handed over control of my finances, with my income going to an account set up with my brother, I only managed to stay bet free until late February 2017. I can’t remember why or how I got to that place where I made a bad choice and commenced to gamble again but, it happened. While I was gambling with much less money, the behaviour was the same. Telling little lies to account for missing time, running out of money, not having money for the basics of food etc and then as a result of getting the maximum amount of money without raising suspicion having to wait a day or two before asking for more money. This year I did everything differently, I recorded the amounts of money I gambled and I recorded the dates on which I had gambled. This allowed me to look very closely at my gambling patterns and indeed the frequency of my betting. Having looked at those patterns since stopping on the 25 September I noticed that gambling was becoming less frequent than it had been in the past as I passed through the year. I hadn’t examined my gambling patterns in this way before and it has made me very conscious of how reckless my past behaviour has been.
As soon as I was finished work on that September Monday I made my way to my car and drove to Santry Omniplex. I had the usual thoughts of what I was going to do with the winnings which in a way are a little ridiculous. This is particularly so, as I will never take winnings. I will gamble as long as the available money will allow me to gamble. I got to the door. The sign on the door says ‘members only, but as usual I pressed the buzzer and a member of staff let me in. No question as to who I was, whether I was a member or check to see if I was somebody who shouldn’t be let in. I walked straight up stairs to my preferred automated roulette table, sat at the position I always sat at and put my money note in the slot. It sucked it in and the usual sounds emanated from the machine as it decided which note bill it was and clocked the credit up on the machine. The intensity of my urges had been building up since I had decided that I was going to gamble. Even as the note was going into the machine it almost felt like something had been injected in to me easing the urge and giving me some form of satisfaction. It wasn’t until I placed the first bet and the wheel was spinning that I started to feel at ease. It was probably a little like how somebody else would look forward to a holiday or a concert. I was now going into my own little world of escapism. A world where you forget about everything else that was going on in your life, nothing or no one mattered while you gambled on each spin of the wheel. Even the consequences of how your life was going to be after you lost all your money didn’t matter. Incredible, but true.
15 minutes or so later, my world of escape came to a crashing end after I placed my bet and the remnants of my money/credits disappeared before my eyes. I had as usual placed some sort of bet on at least three quarters of the numbers on the roulette table but somehow, miraculously the ball fell on a number I didn’t have and my credit rolled to zero. This was a regular feature of the roulette machine, it either lands on a number near your number with the potential of the biggest win or gives you a win which was less than your stake with all the sounds of a big win. (Gambling Addiction by Design) Suddenly, it was back to reality like coming out of a semi hypnotic trance. My immediate thoughts were focussed on how I was going to continue to gamble. After considering whether it was a viable option to contact my brother or not I decided to call him and came up with plausible story as to why I needed to money. Very quickly I had some more money in my account. I couldn’t wait to draw it out of the wall, incidentally, on the same building as the casino. How convenient! Pressed the door buzzer just like earlier and very quickly I was back sitting at the roulette table trying to figure out which number was coming next. Was there a pattern? What number was likely to come up? There are only 36 numbers and one zero. It couldn’t be that difficult! It must be because on occasions I had put bets on every single number with the exception of one or two and guess what? Yes one of the two numbers that I didn’t put anything on came up. Can you imagine the frustration? For some people, it makes them extremely angry and they end up banging machines and shouting loudly and aggressively. Fortunately, for me, I have become resigned to the outcomes and I suppose deep down I know that I am going to lose and there’s not much point in getting angry any more.
My refill of money didn’t last very long. I tried one set of numbers the others came up. No matter what I did I couldn’t win. While I wasn’t angry I was very frustrated and I started to feel real bad as my last few credits were taken away from me leaving me with an empty pocket and probably no money for a couple of days. The same feelings as if I had lost thousands in that one session.
Thoughts went through my head questioning the reasoning and indeed why do I keep doing this to myself. I was really fed up of this continuous cycle of self destruction and self torture. Why? I don’t suppose I will ever know but I had enough. I thought to myself, I just can’t keep doing this. I am having a life but in parallel I’m having no life. I went down stairs and approached the cashier’s desk and told the guy behind the counter that I wanted to self exclude myself from the premises. He asked me if I was a member and I replied ‘that I wasn’t!’ Surprise! Surprise! If he had checked when I entered the premises he would have known that. Nevertheless he asked me for some ID and I gave him my driving licence and he recorded the details. I left the building and headed for home feeling really fed up of what I had been doing to myself.
I haven’t gambled since and I have no intention of doing so. A few days after stopping, I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting at Cuan Mhuire in Athy, Co. Kildare. This is one of my favourite meetings as there are regularly gambling addicts in treatment there and it gives a degree of revisiting where you have come from which is not always present at other meetings. While I have now passed 90 days it hasn’t always been easy with urges presenting themselves here and there but I have been able to deal with them and resist the temptation to give up my recovery. I don’t think it is worth it anymore. The cost and the loss is much greater than money alone. The improvement in my life in a few short months completely justifies that abstention from betting. During this time I have also had a few incidents in my life which would in other circumstances sent me on a betting rampage.
What have I been doing to keep myself from gambling? Firstly, I want to stop gambling, change my life and start living a normal life. I have wanted this since I have become a gambling addict but I had never been able to achieve it. That being the big motivator, there has been other difficulties to get over. I don’t know how many other gambling addicts experience this but since stopping I have found it difficult to treat myself or spend money on myself. I don’t know if that is because in the past the idea of protecting your gambling source and saving your money for the bet still sub consciously takes place in your head. Maybe in some way I still want to punish myself as I have done through gambling. It got a little bit better over Christmas and I managed to have a good time. Gambling has also been a means of isolating myself and I find it difficult to partake in social occasions. I have a complete aversion to social gatherings and the potential for connecting. For some strange reason I don’t have that difficulty with Gamblers Anonymous. While there were a few social gatherings over Christmas I got through them and I really have to start looking at association in a different way.
Overall, I don’t keep much money on my person, I only request the amount I need and avoid asking for larger amounts of money unless I need it. Over Christmas this arose as I needed larger amounts of money for gifts for my partner etc. When I got the money, the urge and temptation immediately presented itself and I managed to resist.
However, it would have been just as easy to go gambling but I know if I make the wrong choice I’m back to square one just like snakes and ladders and I really don’t want to go back to the start. I now keep in touch with other recovering gamblers more than I have done in the past and this also has helped somewhat. I am active participant on twitter promoting all things that advocate help and assistance in problem gambling. This is probably the area that helps me most. I now have over 700 followers and I regularly tweet information, articles and other bits and pieces which I feel may be of interest to those that follow me. It has also enabled me to connect with other gamblers, counsellors and others around the world who have an interest in all things problem gambling related.
With 2018 just around the corner I am starting to look forward to a much brighter future, a clearer mind and a normal life. It isn’t much for anyone to expect. Recovery is my key task and through my recovery I hope to help others achieve abstention. I know for some people recovery takes a long time and is taking a long time for me. Making the right choices, considering the disaster of relapse a single day at a time will aid my path to a normal and bet free life. Have a happy bet free 2018.
**Editor: Massive thanks to @CompulsiveG for another excellent post. Keep fighting the good fight! You can follow @CompulsiveG on Twitter, for more insights into all things problem gambling-related.**
They say Christmas is a time for reflection and the New Year a time for new beginnings.
When I was asked to write this blog I started reflecting on my last few Christmases, some
while I was gambling and others when free from Gambling.
When I was preparing for a talk I gave at a gambling seminar in September this year I was
going through my online betting history for some power point slides. The scale and
frequency of the bets were two things that really stood out; however, another thing that
caught my eye was that over the years when gambling I had been placing bets on Christmas
Day. Not for events on that day, but for events on St Stephen's day, such as racing and football.
On a day when I should have been enjoying spending time with my family I couldn’t help but
check in with my best friend at the time: ‘Paddy Power’. Maybe knowing that I had the bet
placed, helped me get through that day, or made me feel normal.
In 2011 my gambling finally caught up with me. I had stolen money from my employer in
order to fund my gambling addiction. In July that year this had been discovered and I went to
treatment in Cuan Mhuire, Athy. It was a 3 month residential programme and I celebrated my
Daughter’s first birthday there. Not the ideal setting for a birthday party but I knew that I
needed to be there. I finished the programme in October but the relationships with my wife
and family were extremely strained. That Christmas should have been a joyful time, as it was
my daughter’s first real Christmas: she was 16 months old at the time. For me, it was tinged
with sadness, guilt, regret, shame and the fear of what was to come. I remember that,
although I was free from gambling, it was not a happy time. I was still numb. Anger and
resentment were very evident as my family were still getting to terms with what I had done. I
had embarrassed both myself and them with my actions.
Christmas one year on: my actions were rightly punished as I was sentenced to 4 years in
Prison with 1 suspended for false accounting and theft. I spent Christmas week settling into
my new environment and cell in the midlands prison. The highlight of that Christmas in C
wing was the Eastender’s Cliff-hanger when it was revealed which one of the Branning
brothers had been having an affair with Kat Moon. Such is the need for escapism in Prison
that the soaps are hugely popular. The following week I rang in the New Year with Imelda
May amidst the surreal noise of brushes and dinner trays banging off cell doors. I recall this
being a happier time for me even though I was away from my family. There was a real sense
of relief that I had reached this part of my journey. I had been waiting over a year for
sentencing and now that I knew my fate I could get my head down and try get my life back
on track. I felt back in control.
I spent the following Christmas in an open prison and on my own. I had lost my marriage at
this stage but was still bet free. I was really starting to rebuild my life and even though I was
still in Prison I was content. I had starting my counselling course that September and was
aware that the following year there was a good chance that I would be out on Community
Return and get to spend Christmas with my family.
The following year I did get to spend Christmas with my family. However, my mother had
lost her brave battle with cancer and passed away on the 13th of December. It was a sad time;
especially for me personally. I didn’t get to rebuild the damaged relationship with her as I
wasn’t long out of Prison when she died. Even to this day it is a huge regret that she didn’t
get to see me turn my life completely around. I can only hope that she is looking down and
feeling proud. Christmas that year was really tough and my feeling of loss was huge. I was
now over 3 years free from gambling and studying to be an addiction counsellor. My
relationship with my daughter was getting stronger and this bond was the real driving force
for me in my recovery.
Christmas 2015 was when I met my current partner and this was my happiest Christmas for
well over a decade. I really felt that 2016 was going to be a good year. Positive things were
starting to happen for me. I was starting to reap the rewards for all the hard work I put into
my recovery. I had my challenges and obstacles but discovered new ways of coping and
dealing with what life threw at me.
Talking and being open and honest was a new concept to me but today it is what keeps me
from not going back to my old ways. In March 2016 I started my new role in Dublin as an
addiction counsellor. I have been working there since and am seeing a lot with clients with
gambling addictions. I am using both my training and my own personal experience to try
help people who are struggling with this horrendous and growing problem.
I count myself as one of the lucky ones who have managed to break free of the shackles of
problem gambling. I am looking forward to my 7th Christmas bet free and am very grateful to
be able to enjoy it for what it is supposed to be. However, I am also very aware that there are
tens of thousands of people out there struggling with the fallout of their gambling or that of a
family member, friend or work colleague. For them, Christmas this year will be a time of
extreme stress, hurt and money worries. I have been there and it is not a nice place to be
especially at this time of year.
The good news for anyone reading this that is affected by problem gambling is that there is
help out there. Organisations such as The Rutland Centre and Cuan Mhuire provide
residential treatment for people suffering with gambling problems. Other Organisations such
as Problem Gambling Ireland provide all kinds of support for both the problem gambler and
their families. Also, Gamblers Anonymous and Gam-Anon (Family & Friends) meetings are available,
nationwide. I know that going to treatment saved my life and helped me cope with going to
prison and with getting my life back on track. It has been really hard at times but the support
I have received over the years has played a huge part in my recovery. I wouldn’t be in such a
good place had it not being for the kindness and help from numerous amazing people.
For me personally, the most important aspect of recovery and my first step in dealing with
this addiction was accepting that I had a problem. I then had to take responsibility for my
actions and really want to change. I had to find new ways of coping and make a new life for
myself that didn’t have gambling as the focal point. I have managed to this because of sheer
determination to have a better life for myself, my partner and my daughter. I had to get past
the ego, pride and fear and ask for help. This isn’t an easy thing to do and my one real regret
is that I didn’t look for help earlier. I had to really hit the ‘rock bottom’ before I was open to
the healing process. If I was to offer one piece of advice to anyone this Christmas who is
suffering either directly or indirectly with a gambling problem, it is to reach out to someone
and ask for help.
I remember being asked the question at the Gambling Conference- “How are you now?”
I replied “I have never been in a better place, but it is a pity that I had to go to hell and back
to get here. “
**Editor** Huge thanks to Tony for sharing his experience of recovery from gambling. Tony is an addiction counsellor, working with Cuan Mhuire and in private practice. If you wish to contact Tony for counselling, his number is: 0894109813.
Barry Grant, Addiction Counsellor, Founder.